My So Called Life

It's odd..I know him..and he thinks he knows me..Close friends, but still he doesn't know me. That is, he knows parts of me really well..other parts he doen't even know exist.

He's a friend of mine..but still more. He thinks he's a friend of mine. I know otherwise. Yes, he knows me, I can agree to that...But he doen't know me as well as he thinks..

I'm always sat next to him. Smiling. Listening to his stories. I love his stories. He's a person who enjoys life, who is always open for all of life's possibilities..And I listen to him. I notice every detail of what he says...how his face changes, how his hand movements tell the stories with him, his changing facial expressions..how his voice trembles and his eyes darken when he shares the parts that matter the most to him. Most of the stories don't involve me. Still I smile.

He'll never know what I feel. That I take in every little thing. And remember all of it. I will never tell him. He looks into my eyes..believes he knows what I'm feeling, but in reality he has no idea. I always smile. My smile can hide everything.

I smile when I'm laying next to him. His breath at night..when he's asleep..steady and slow.. His hand cupping my breast. So comfortable next to me. With me. And I'm with him...smiling as he moves closer to me, hugs me, without waking up. The dark hides my smile..

My fingers on his chest..My eys fixed his face as I plant a small tender kiss on his neck...His sleep hides my kiss. He doesn't wake up. . .

He'll never wake up.

Okay, for once, this is not about Him..well, a little bit, but not much

I just need to get my worry out.."on paper"..I feel sick inside, so worried that it's unbelievable..but still..I'm not really sure if I've got anything to worry about!

Here's the deal; went out on Saturday and got SO shit-faced I have no idea what I did! No idea what so ever!!! My last memory of the nite is leaving the pub..about 10.30ish..Woke up the next morning, in my own bed, at 8 in the morning..checked my phone and found out I'd rung Him around 11 pm..Okay, fine..I figured I had left the pub due to being too drunk, but being a bit worried, I rang one of my mates to hear what had happened..Ok, so after an hour or so in the club we went to (no memory),my mates decided that I was too drunk to stay out (after throwing water in my face) (no memory) and put me in a taxi with another mate.(still no memory) around 12 a.m
Ok, so far so good.. I thought to myself;  taxi- taxi ride (about 5 min, couldn't have managed to say too much to my mate who was in the taxi with me..) - home - bed- sleep.

Then yesterday, I found out that at 01.30 I had tried to ring one of my other mates (again; no memory) and texted another mate (empty text though) at 2.15!!! What the hell was I doing between 12 am (taxi ride) and 2.15???????
 
I dont dare to find out. I dont want to find out. I could probably ask my mate who was with me in the taxi , but I'm scared
I either made my mate follow me inside, undressed in front of him and went to bed (a little bit embarrassing)
or
made my mate follow me inside, undressed in front of him and spent 2 hours talking about Him, how much I'm "in love" with Him and how frustraded I am (Very embarrassing)
or
made my mate follow me inside and tried it on/slept with him ( Very Very Very embarrassing..so much so that I would wanna die!)

God, I dont know what to do!!
I'm scared I've said silly stuff (about Him) and scared that He will find out from our mate!

Four things have made me feel better
1) I woke up in my knickers (i.e. I didnt sleep with  my mate)
2) I rang my mate on Sunday and was all normal towards him, he was kinda normal back
3) my mate invited me and my other mates to the cinema via email yesterday (normal)
4) My eye make-up was fine when waking up i.e. I had not been crying talking about Him

But one major thing overshadows all of these;
My security lock was not on which means
1) I was too drunk to lock my door (please, please, please let this be the case)
or
2) My mate followed me inside my flat........

Shiiiiiit...dunno what to do..I will never EVER drink that much again! NEVER!!

I feel bad. I feel like a slut..

About this weekend...I dont feel good..at all. I wish it had never happened.

I dont understand how He gets me to do all these things, things I've said I wouldn't do. I know there is nothing wrong with it, people do it all the time. But it's just not me.

I know He's itching to tell people. He's very sexually open and loves telling everyone what He gets up to..Previously this involved me..He'd tell people details of what we'd get up to in bed..And I'd tell Him off and get an apology.. He's stopped doing that now, which I'm happy about. It's just that this is something we'd normally not do. Believe you me, He's tried to get me to have a threesome before, but I've always refused. This time I didn't ...and worse..I know the guy and will see him around from time to time...

Ironically , that is probably the only one thing that would keep Him from telling everyone. Cos the guy asked if we could keep it quiet (girlfriend etc)..I really hope He does. I will have to watch Him like a hawk..

Cos the only one thing that would make this matter even worse, is everyone knowing..

Me. Him. And a guy we know.
Yesterday, me and Him spent the day together, went for a Sunday roast and some wine. Just chilling and having a laugh.. Then this guy turned up, I dont really know him that well and dont really fancy him either..

The three of us went out together, got pissed and towards the end of the nite there was a fair amount of flirting going on. Nothing serious, just fun. And I thought nothing of it. Thought it would end when the club closed. He had other plans in mind. When the club closed I said I wanted a taxi home, but got a clear message back from Him saying that "no, you are staying at mine!" and I thought why not, saves me some money..We walked back to His and the guy walked with us..Things are a bit blurry after that, but I remember suddenly being naked in His bed with both of them. And It was good..

My first (and probably last) threesome..The guy left early in the morning, me and Him were cuddling in bed and I think the guy felt a bit left out..Me and Him went back to sleep, woke up some hours later and spent the rest of the day shagging some more..mmm..
 

Or rather..I did Him again.

Then...I dont know what happened...Me and Him..His bed..Oh! My! God!.
He was all over me, couldn't get enough..and neither could I for that matter..we barely slept at all..and when He got out of bed this morning I just wanted Him to come back..to crawl under the duvet again..put His arms around me..be with me... and spend the rest of the day in bed, next to me.

I'm tired of fighting it..

I dont care anymore. I've tried. I've  tried not being with Him. It doesn't work.

The taste of his skin. His skin next to mine. His cheek next to mine. I open my eyes and see Him.  Next to me.

I left him tonight. My mate wanted to take me home. I surrendered. Now I'm at home. He just rang and shouted "I caaaan't hear you, text me!"..

I'm not texting  him. I know he can hear me. I know he can feel me.

Bliss.
When we wake up in the morning
Goose-bumps on his skin
from the morning chill
I tuck him in
Next to me.
Bliss..

Set my world on fire, why dont you?
And then get burned by the flames..

These arms of mine
Can never soothe you..

I'm so fed up with myself, so incredibly fed up. I'm sick of the way I'm behaving and I think he is too. I dont blame him. I throw myself at him, let him use and abuse me. Saying to myself that it's okay, he does like me. He will come to realise how much he likes me. But it's a lie. A big lie. Just me trying to fool myself to feel better. To justify what I'm doing.

I've had enough. We are not getting any closer. We cant get any closer without having a proper relationship. We do all the things couples do..sleep together, wake up together, go out togheter, go for meals, go shopping, chat on the phone...we just dont kiss or hold hands (except when in bed)..it's probably been months since he last kissed me..

"you know you mean the world to him, but he'll never admit it. Never"

I know.

So, after two weeks with intense weekends where I havent been at home at all..I want to quit him. I cant do it anymore.

Him: "and xx walked into our bedroom and woke us up this morning"
Everyone: "eh..when did it become yours and Emillia's bedroom?"
Everyone laughing.
Made me smile. Even he refers to us as a couple. But we're not!

I met one guy on Friday. He asked me out today.
I met another guy on Saturday, my mate's mate. He also rang me today.

My friend's signed me up for speed dating..just for fun, but still. I need to show everyone that I am moving on...that I'm moving on from him. I need to show myself.

I don't know if I'm gonna go through with it. I know the reaction I'm gonna get when I tell him about the two guys I mentioned above. He's gonna pretend to not care and say "cool". Then, after a couple of beers, he'll either
1) Tell me how not good looking they are and that he has a bigger dick
or
2) Get emotional, act jealous and end up trying to "force" me to sleep at his.

Thing is, I'm not sure how much forcing is needed.

God, I just want this to end...

It wasn't me. It wasn't me in his bed. Not me.

I went away last weekend, some work course I had to attend. Came back Monday, he invited me for lunch.

"So, good weekend?"
"Yeah it was okay"
"Any gossip?"
"well....(a lot of non-interesting things etc etc)..and then the night ended with xx walking me home, I think..I cant really remember"
"Haha, you were that drunk then..funny" How was your hangover on Saturday then?"
"Not that bad. I woke up early..with xx in my bed"
"Oh? She slept at yours? What happened between you??"
"Oh nothing, she just slept there. She was fully clothed.."
"What did she say to you in the morning then?"
"She said nothing really"
"Not even goodbye?"
"Oh yes, we chatted, then she left"

Not really gutted..Didn't know what to think..or say..or feel..It just felt weird..that it wasn't me. If I hadn't gone away, this would not have happened. It would have been me. Us. As normal. But it wasn't.

It was someone that wasn't me..

I'm not upset, but I don't like it either.. And if she's out with us ever again I will defo be butting in. Even though I shouldn't. He isn't mine, but he still is. Well, maybe not..but more so than hers anyway...!

He's got problems showing emotions and touching people in public. I've known this since I got to know him..And it's fine.
 
I know some people are like this, I'm not. Totally not. I like to hug my friends all the time and most of them are the same. When I'm close to people it's natural for me to touch them. A pat on the back, a hug when we say goodbye etc. Not going overboard, but you know, just natural closeness to people you are close with.. 

He doesnt like it. The slightest. If girls that we know, girls he's known for months/years try to hug him, he'll lean the other way or embrace them quickly and pull of way as fast as he cans. It's funny to watch sometimes. He is so uncomfortable with it that it actually makes me laugh.

He's sometimes like that even with me. Public hugs? No way! It's only if I'm hugging everyone else as well (i.e. good-bye) that I'm allowed to hug him. But I've become cheeky. We sit next to each other always (when out) and I've gotten him used to me touching him. It could be a simple little thing like warming my fingers on his arm, leaning my head on his shoulders when I'm tired, placing my hand on his knee or something..He allows me. I think he's gotten used to me. If any other girl, say friends, place a hand on his shoulders whilst walking past he'll instantly pull away...but not with me. And I like it. It shows me that we are close, that I'm different to him than other girls..

When we're asleep it's totally different. He's so touchy-feely that he's hardly recognisable..I've always needed my own space in bed, you know, to go to sleep. But with him, from day one, we've slept in each other's arms, our legs tangled up and heads close. Waking up, he'll still be close to me, even caressing my back or letting me rest my head on his chest whilst reading the morning paper. Lovely. Close. Then we get out bed. Closeness gone.

Missing. It. Always

I spent the whole weekend at his..not that its unusual. But I like it. His arms around me..touching me, his movements at nite whilst asleep..waking up in the morning..laughing about how drunk we were the night before..getting up, showering..making tea for him..

You know when you feel like you dont want leave. You just dont want those few hours to end. I always get out of bed last..he walkes around in his rooms, shows me stuff on his computer, plays some tunes for me..chats to our mates about the nite before on MSN, me talking from the bed,him typing what I'm saying.

Then, agree the plan for the day, pick up my stuff which is everywhere in his room..always leaving something behind..you know..just so that he too remembers that I've been there..

And all our little conversations that we still have. When we're in the pub, restaurant, wherever. We're surrounded by our mates, but we always end up talking quietly with each other. Not secrets, but little everyday things that have happened.. And about the past..Me and Him.

We get asked so many times like "what's your boyfriend's name?" or someone says "your girlfriend's really nice"..we always explain that we're not a couple and people are surprised. This weekend we got asked twice "How come you two dont hook up?" We just laughed and said "Been there, done that"..looked at each other. I smiled. So did he. A second later I closed my eyes for a second.. Thought of how things could have been..smiled at myself. My silly self.. Then opened my eyes, looked up and saw him still looking at me from across the table. Smiling. I showed him the finger and said "right, another drink then" and left for the bar.

Sometimes I feel sadness for us. For him not giving us a chance. Or for him not making a choice. Always going back and forth. Past. Present. It's been like this for years. I'm never gonna get over him if he cant move on. I try to. Believe me, I really do. But I continue dreaming during the week. Dreams of me and him. And they come true. During the weekends. When it's always just us. Me and him.

I haven't spoken to him all week.

I miss him.

Okay, so we kissed, flirted, kissed some more..and did some more flirting. Still totally innocent, not knowing what the other one wanted, not talking about what was happening...I loved it..

Then suddenly..BOOM..."I think we should only be friends"
Okay. Cool. What could I say? "No,it's not okay. I don't want to be friends. I want more. I want you!"
Yes, I said all this. But silently. But he knew. Of course he knew.

It was out in the open. Nothing was happening between us.
Then his best mate came along.

Me. Wounded. Hurt
His best mate. Interested. Cute.
I thought "Why not? He's a great guy, I'll give it a shot"

Big mistake.

He got jealous. Very jealous. And wanted me back.
I liked it. I liked it a lot.

So there we were. The two guys and me. He, the one I couldn't have. And the other, the one I didn't know if I wanted. Now they both suddenly wanted me.

Arguments, fighting etc. It all happened. For some time they didn't even speak to each other. Then they decided to have a chat. They came back to me saying that it would be best for all if we all were just mates.
Okay. Cool.

It didn't last. Of course it didn't last. They fought for my attention. And the jealousy! They were constantly jealous and betraying the other one's trust. If one turned away, the other one would flirt, hug me and try to kiss me.
I was flattered, but being sensible, I did not want to come between them. I didn't want them to fall out, then later have a chat and they'd both decide that it was my fault&ditch me. I'd lose both. No way.

So I tried my best to treat them equally, although he was there first. He was the one that I really wanted.

It went on like this for months. People around us were fed up. I totally understand as they seem to fall out everytime they were drunk. And I'd cry, upset cos I felt it was all my fault..

Then we were alone. Him and I. The other one had gone away on holiday for 4 weeks.
"We" were back on. We betrayed his best friend's trust.

It felt bad, but so good! I was happy..for a while..
Me and him. Me and him...

I keep thinking about before, when we first met. How simple everything was. Hom uncomplicated my life was..

...to be continued...

I'm still smiling about this morning.

I woke up early, in his bed. Next to him. With him. My stomach hurts thinking about it. A burning feeling cos I shouldn't be feeling what I am feeling.

It means so much to me. Just sleeping in his bed. Sweet sleep. And those early hours of the morning..when I'm half asleep and half awake..constantly in and out of sleep,changing positions just to get even closer to him..and I move away too, just to feel him moving to get closer to me again. We shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed. I know it. He knows it. But it still happens.

This morning I was already awake when he woke up..He stretched to reach for his phone. I followed his moves to make sure there was no space between us, his back towards me, I put my hand on his stomach pretending to be asleep. I had to. I cant possibly touch him when I'm awake. That's not allowed..

He laid there, replying to a text whilst I was caressing his stomach. He didn't push me away. He let me continue. I stopped and moved away from him, my back towards his back..He put the phone down, rolled over, came close to me, face against my neck. There it was. A totally conscious decision. His decision. Still pretending to be asleep I smiled to myself..and I haven't stopped yet..

We went out after work today, I've just arrived home, slightly tipsy and very relaxed. We consists of me, Him and our mate. The 3 best friends. Finished work later than usual and my alcholic mate suggest to share a bottle of wine. Normally I would have said no, I don't do drinkin on school nites...however, he was coming along. Hence I said yes. Surprise!

It remined me about before. All of us going out after work. Him and I would finish work earlier than the others. "Should we just go to a pub whilst waiting?" he'd ask. I'd say yes. Surprise.

Just us. Sitting there, chatting and sharing a bottle of wine or drinking beer..Then the others would finsih at 6 pm..we never met up with them until after 7. We were in no rush. Or at least I wasn't. No one knew about anything. Hell, we didn't even know at that point. But we got questions. "Where have you two been?" "How come you two arrive so late?"
We'd just smile, he'd look at me and his eyes would say "wine?". Mine'd say "yes". Then he'd come back with wine and a plate of nibbles for us to share. Sweet.

"Look, they even share food", Sweet.

That was before though. We still do things together just us. But there is nothing in it. We are just mates. Best mates. Sweet.

I miss us. We are three now. I like us. I like the three of us too. It's just that fact that it's wine and nothing more now. Before it was more...It was just us! But still more.

Okay, this is my online diary for me. I don't care if anyone reads it or not. I'm doing this for me, I need to get my head sorted, my heart..my life.

Why is it so difficult? People around me are deceived by me. I don't tell the truth, I tell them what they want to hear.

That I dont care about him no more. I'm over him. A handful of people (or less really!) know the truth..that he's still inside me. On my mind, Everyday. The rest, my friends, my mates, they all see it, but pretend to believe what I am saying..I think. Or they have given up trying to understand me. Or him. Us. (Note to self; there is no us!)

I am not in love with him. I just cant let go of him. I want to be near him constantly, I'm addicted to him. I long for him.

But I need to get rid. I need to stop. I need to get my life back and stop living in the past.

But as per yet, He's still got me. I dance around him like a little dolly trying my hardest to pretend that I dont care. Not sure if he sees right through me or if he enjoys the attention and therefore does not care.

To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure of anything at the moment. I just know that this is for me! For me only. My online diary.