I'm so fed up with myself, so incredibly fed up. I'm sick of the way I'm behaving and I think he is too. I dont blame him. I throw myself at him, let him use and abuse me. Saying to myself that it's okay, he does like me. He will come to realise how much he likes me. But it's a lie. A big lie. Just me trying to fool myself to feel better. To justify what I'm doing.
I've had enough. We are not getting any closer. We cant get any closer without having a proper relationship. We do all the things couples do..sleep together, wake up together, go out togheter, go for meals, go shopping, chat on the phone...we just dont kiss or hold hands (except when in bed)..it's probably been months since he last kissed me..
"you know you mean the world to him, but he'll never admit it. Never"
I know.
So, after two weeks with intense weekends where I havent been at home at all..I want to quit him. I cant do it anymore.
Him: "and xx walked into our bedroom and woke us up this morning"
Everyone: "eh..when did it become yours and Emillia's bedroom?"
Everyone laughing.
Made me smile. Even he refers to us as a couple. But we're not!
I met one guy on Friday. He asked me out today.
I met another guy on Saturday, my mate's mate. He also rang me today.
My friend's signed me up for speed dating..just for fun, but still. I need to show everyone that I am moving on...that I'm moving on from him. I need to show myself.
I don't know if I'm gonna go through with it. I know the reaction I'm gonna get when I tell him about the two guys I mentioned above. He's gonna pretend to not care and say "cool". Then, after a couple of beers, he'll either
1) Tell me how not good looking they are and that he has a bigger dick
or
2) Get emotional, act jealous and end up trying to "force" me to sleep at his.
Thing is, I'm not sure how much forcing is needed.
God, I just want this to end...
